“Surprised” Kim Davis to Wed Lesbian Inmate

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The shockwaves continue to roll across America as Kim Davis, the Rowan County, Kentucky clerk who has refused to issue marriage licenses for same-sex couples and is now serving time in jail for defying a court order, announced this evening that she and cellmate Velma Lou Patterson plan to get married “as soon as humanly possible.”

An ebullient Davis, calling it “love at first sight,” told stunned reporters that she has had “a change of heart, and my heart belongs forever to Velma Lou. I’m sure you’re as surprised as I am.”

“I want to apologize to all the same-sex couples that I turned away. I now understand that love knows no race nor gender nor religion. So if you’re a gay man and want to go ahead and marry that Chinese Muslim guy, I’ll sign that damn form for you.”

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Patterson, currently incarcerated for “lewd and lascivious behavior” at a local bar called ‘The Trash Bin,’ stood quietly in her orange jailhouse jumpsuit, sipping a Mountain Dew and enjoying her chewing tobacco. “I don’t got me much to say,” offered Patterson, “but I just know me and Kim is like a match made in heaven. I just can’t wait ’til my four sweet babies get to meet her. And to give Kim a girly-girl makeover.”

Davis wrapped her arm around Ms. Patterson and gently kissed her on the cheek. “You all know that I’ve been married three times,” said Davis. “But maybe the fourth time’s a charm. When I first saw Velma Lou, it was like a lightning bolt from above and I knew in an instant that I had finally found my soulmate. I think God needs to rethink his attitude about gays and lesbians. Even God and Mike Huckabee get it wrong sometimes.”

When asked if she plans to return to work should she be released this weekend, Davis sighed. “I might go in on Tuesday for a few hours just so I can certify our own marriage license, but after that, I’d like to go back to jail and spend more time with my honey.”

“We need us some of that conjungle visitation,” blurted Patterson.

In Search of Megyn Kelly’s “Wherever”

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I really don’t understand the uproar over Megyn Kelly’s “wherever.”

Wherever her wherever is, and whosoever says it’s a major player whenever a woman is at her ever-nastiest, then whoever or whomever may just be wrong.

HOWEVER, when Republican presidential hopeful and hair apparent Donald Trump says that “you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever,” the press and pundits assume he was referring to her whatsoever.

But what is a ‘wherever?’ In this case, it could be whatever part of the body is filled with blood. It could have been Megyn’s nose, her ears, her brain, her ankles, her feet, and on and on. Why does it have to point to her vagina, a vagina that periodically gets angry.

I needed to get some answers, so I sat down with Dr. Sanford Schnabel, a noted linguistics professor at Yale University and author of “Please, Talk Like Me.”

“I find it amusing that there’s been so much falderol and gimcrackery about Mr. Trump’s apparent faux pas,” Schnabel opined as he leaned back in his soft leather chair and took a drag off his classic Meerschaum pipe.

Ironically, I found it equally amusing that Dr. Schnabel was using words like ‘falderol’ and ‘gimcrackery.’

He continued. “People tend to think the worst of somebody when they’re in the political arena, and candidates are painfully aware that any slip of the tongue or misspoken word might spell the end of their ambitions. The subsequent media kerfuffle and gewgaw could be devastating.”

Schnabel kept on talking, unaware that I had already left his office. “Douchebag” is the word that came to mind as I headed back home.

But I was still troubled. “If ‘wherever’ can point directly to a woman’s genitalia,” I pondered as quotation marks mysteriously appeared as I thought about something, “then does a man’s ‘wherever’ mean his penis? And if so, is it ever bloody?”

Unable to sleep, I found myself at “The Bloody Penis,” a popular bar in the heart of West Hollywood. It was here that I met Serge, a well-informed gay man who tried to set me straight.

“I read somewhere that it takes over six gallons of blood to maintain an erection,” offered Serge. “So if The Donald had gone after a male Fox moderator and said he had blood coming out of his eyes and his wherever, it would be logical to think the wherever is his dingly dong.”

In all honesty, I have no idea what to think. My search for Megan’s wherever may be quixotic and a total waste of time. And why was I feeling sorry for her? After all, she was the one who started the fight. Didn’t Trump have the right to fight back?

After returning home from the The Bloody Penis, I crawled into bed next to my lovely girlfriend and curled into her. I felt so comforted that she was here. “Hey,” I whispered, “can I touch your wherever for awhile, just until I fall asleep?”

“Whatever,” she sighed.

Huckabee Pisses Off Oven Makers Too

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AMES, IA - JULY 18:  Republican presidential hopeful and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee fields questions at The Family Leadership Summit at Stephens Auditorium on July 18, 2015 in Ames, Iowa. According to the organizers the purpose of The Family Leadership Summit is to inspire, motivate, and educate conservatives.  (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has gotten himself in a world of trouble. Over the weekend, the former Arkansas governor, speaking to Breitbart News, called President Obama’s foreign policy “the most feckless in American history. It is so naive that he would trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.”

The blowback from his remarks was quick and unrelenting and came from a very predictable source: America’s top oven makers.

Amana spokesperson Steve Yamblatt, called Huckabee’s comments “provocative and uncalled for. To portray ovens in such an unfavorable light does a great disservice to all the fine assembly people here at Amana, men and women who are dedicated to making some of America’s finest ovens. Since the 19040’s we’ve tried to expunge the memory of how ovens were once used for evil purposes. You may remember our slogan back then: “Amana: Baking pies, not people.”

Over at General Electric, the condemnation was even more bellicose. A statement released by the company Monday morning reads as follows:

“We here at GE are shocked and dismayed by Mr. Huckabee’s remarks. Not only were they insensitive to our friends in the Jewish community, they also conveniently disregarded the progress we’ve made over the years developing safer oven doors. Equating oven doors with fear flies in face of all we’ve accomplished. We encourage Mr. Huckabee to apologize to all our customers who have recently bought GE ovens, whether from our GE CAFÉ™ SERIES 30 or GE PROFILE™ SERIES 30 lines.”

At the Whirlpool assembly line in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Bob Twang, Senior Oven Door Inspector seemed unaffected by Huckabee’s comments. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” he sighed. “We make Jew and oven jokes here all the time, ya know just to keep up morale and make this a friendlier place to work at. I think all these liberals are getting their panties in a bunch because Mike Huckabee is a good Christian. And as a good Christian, he’s a big supporter of Israel even though they got way too many Jews  over there.”

In a quickly prepared rejoinder sent to all media outlets on Monday afternoon, the Huckabee campaign noted that “Governor Huckabee meant no disrespect to America’s outstanding oven manufacturers. In fact, the Governor grew up in a home with an Amana oven and has very warm memories of his mother baking pies and cookies. He was particularly fond of the Gingerbread men his mother would bake and recalls that she would actually give them cute little names; names like Yiddie, Heebie, and Shlomo.”