Trump Goes After Lincoln. Really.

Fresh off his comments over the weekend in Iowa where he vilified Senator John McCain for being captured by the North Vietnamese, Donald Trump went after an even bigger target: Abraham Lincoln

Speaking before a nervous crowd in Davenport, IA, Trump not only questioned Lincoln’s courage but also his taste in theatrical plays.

“Let me tell you,” The Donald intoned,” you wouldn’t have caught me dead inside Ford’s Theater that night watching that loser of a play “My American Cousin.” It stinks. It stinks even more than that “Modern Family.”

Trump continued. “Yeah, it’s sad that Lincoln got himself shot in the head and all, but you know what that makes him? It makes him a victim.”

Some people in the crowd booed. Trump was unfazed. “Listen, you can only play the victim card for so long and then it gets boring, even more boring than that “Modern Family.”

“And what did all that assassination stuff get Lincoln? His ugly puss on the 5-dollar bill. That makes him a loser. The 5-dollar bill is a loser bill. I haven’t seen one of them since I was 7 years old.”

More boos. Trump quickly brushed them off.

“Listen, we know Lincoln did some good things. He freed the slaves. He got Spielberg to make some lousy movie about him. But he’s a moron. What kind of idiot goes into a crowded theater then sits down in a private box without a shitload of private security guards? My security team would’ve tackled that loser actor John Wilkes Booth before he even got into that box. They would’ve beaten him to within an inch of his life. Ain’t that right, fellas?”

He turned to point at his menacing-looking security detail. They all nodded in unison like The Rockettes on steroids.

“He’s the frigging President. There’s a lot of nuts out there with guns. What the hell was he thinking?”

Somebody from the crowd shouted, “Trump, you’re a douchebag!”

Trump was ready with one of his patented, tried and true retorts. “Sir, you are a loser. You know how I can tell you’re a loser? Because I bet you don’t even have 100 million dollars in the bank. That is the definition of a loser.”

He paused for effect as the mid-summer wind tried to move one follicle of his cemented hair.

“Know who else is a loser? Mary Lincoln. Not only was she coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, she didn’t even think about the branding opportunities of the Lincoln name. She just gave it away, just let her dead hubby rot while not even considering the money that could be made off a very famous guy with a big bloody wound in his head.”

The crowd had heard enough. In the polite way that Iowans conduct their lives, they quietly filed out, some muttering and shaking their heads.

The empty hall did not faze The Donald as he leaned into the microphone.

“Ya know who else plays victim? These soldiers coming back from Afghanistan with PTSD, that’s who. I never heard of PTSD before. When did they invent that crap?”

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