“Surprised” Kim Davis to Wed Lesbian Inmate


The shockwaves continue to roll across America as Kim Davis, the Rowan County, Kentucky clerk who has refused to issue marriage licenses for same-sex couples and is now serving time in jail for defying a court order, announced this evening that she and cellmate Velma Lou Patterson plan to get married “as soon as humanly possible.”

An ebullient Davis, calling it “love at first sight,” told stunned reporters that she has had “a change of heart, and my heart belongs forever to Velma Lou. I’m sure you’re as surprised as I am.”

“I want to apologize to all the same-sex couples that I turned away. I now understand that love knows no race nor gender nor religion. So if you’re a gay man and want to go ahead and marry that Chinese Muslim guy, I’ll sign that damn form for you.”


Patterson, currently incarcerated for “lewd and lascivious behavior” at a local bar called ‘The Trash Bin,’ stood quietly in her orange jailhouse jumpsuit, sipping a Mountain Dew and enjoying her chewing tobacco. “I don’t got me much to say,” offered Patterson, “but I just know me and Kim is like a match made in heaven. I just can’t wait ’til my four sweet babies get to meet her. And to give Kim a girly-girl makeover.”

Davis wrapped her arm around Ms. Patterson and gently kissed her on the cheek. “You all know that I’ve been married three times,” said Davis. “But maybe the fourth time’s a charm. When I first saw Velma Lou, it was like a lightning bolt from above and I knew in an instant that I had finally found my soulmate. I think God needs to rethink his attitude about gays and lesbians. Even God and Mike Huckabee get it wrong sometimes.”

When asked if she plans to return to work should she be released this weekend, Davis sighed. “I might go in on Tuesday for a few hours just so I can certify our own marriage license, but after that, I’d like to go back to jail and spend more time with my honey.”

“We need us some of that conjungle visitation,” blurted Patterson.

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