Trump Family Speeches: First Drafts

Rumor has it that at least four or five Trump family members will speak at the Republican National Convention next week in Cleveland. Some of the speeches have not been finalized, and this reporter has been able to get an exclusive look at the early drafts. Take a look:

MELANIA (wife):

Hello Conventional Peoples! I am excited from my husband to make the President. He is good man and will make Americans great again. Many of the peoples who are not married to my husband don’t know him like I do. Donald is very good to me and has only tried to give me the rape when I’m drunk. I tell him, “No means no!” but he never listens to me anyhow so I let him give me the rape. But if he forget to take little blue pill, the rape feels like a boiled noodle hitting your behind.

My husband has lots of good plans for America, including the wall to keep out the Mexicans who live in Mexico. Then after the Mexicans pay for the wall, Donald will file the bankruptcy… just because he can. To make the Jewish people happy and to feel the special, my husband will give out nice gold stars for all of them to pin on their shirts. Every day, he comes up with good ideas like this. It’s amazing. Thank you for being with my husband.

ERIC (son):

Donald Trump is a good and decent man and has been a great dad to me and my brothers and sisters. I remember when I was five years old, my dad sent our butler Pembroke outside to play ball with me. Even though he was in the middle of a big negotiation, my father still had time to summon Pembroke and force him to play with me. I remember thinking, “I’m gonna be like you, dad. You know I’m gonna be like you.”

I had so many great times with people my dad hired to watch over me. Our chauffeur Ellison taught me how to ride my first bike; our gardener Pedro showed me how to swing a golf club; and Maria, our head housekeeper, taught me how to rape a woman with elegance and style and to only rape people you’re married to.

So, here I am today. I’m rich and powerful and I get to go to Africa and kill jaguars and other big game with my brother because that’s what spoiled sons do. I owe it all to my dad who was never there, but was always just one degree of separation away from me. Thank you dad, you’re the best!

IVANKA (daughter):

Good Yumtov. Tonight, I am filled with great simcha and naches to be standing here, all beautiful 6-feet tall of shiksa me, to tell you all about my father. This beautiful gold star that my dad just pinned on me is a reminder of how important faith is to our family. I remember so many many times not going to church with my dad, but instead walking through the park with him, holding his hand while he rubbed my thigh, a bond that speaks volumes about the man who is to be your next president. Like me, my father intends to hug and touch and fondle as many of you as he can on the campaign trail.